It's Not About the Why, It's About The Win

My Own Little Christmas Carol

December 24, 2010 at 10:59 am | Posted in 12/2010 | 2 Comments

I’m no Ebenezer Scrooge. I’m not selfish or greedy, at least not on most days. I like Christmas, I like spending time with my family and friends, and I think Tiny Tim is adorable. Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot to learn from my Christmas Ghosts, I do. Andrew’s leukemia and Michael’s brain injury are my Jacob Marley. They are the chains that bind me and they are the heavy burdens that I carry. But they are also the experiences that enlighten me.

My Ghost of Christmas Past brings memories much more pleasant than Scrooge’s. I see family dinners, Christmas Eve Mass, and exciting Christmas mornings as a child. I see gifts under the tree with a fancy cursive “S” under the word “from” – my mom and dad made a great Santa, even long after Santa’s secret was out. In Christmases Past from not so long ago, I see my own kids waking up at the break of dawn to rip open their gifts and see if Santa ate the cookies they had left for him. When I think about these Christmases Past, I think of happiness, for sure, but I also think of innocence with a dose of naiveté. It was the innocence that came from living in a world where my children were untouched by illness and injury, when such evil things happened to other families, not mine.

Like Scrooge’s Ghost of Christmas Present, mine doesn’t hesitate to show me both the sadness and the happiness that comes at this time of year. The innocence of Christmas Past has faded, for now I know of the pain and fear so many are feeling as they face difficult treatment plans, celebrate Christmas in a hospital room, or worse, spend Christmas with holes in their hearts and an empty place at the table. Knowing these realities – and accepting my own – reminds me that every day is a gift, and we should treasure the people we love, no matter where they are. As terrifying and heart-wrenching as last year was for me, I had the best Christmas I’ve ever had. Andrew’s diagnosis and Michael’s accident put Christmas in perspective for me. I didn’t just learn what Christmas is really about, I experienced it first-hand – faith, hope, and joy. That’s it. Nothing else matters.

What will my Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come show me? Unlike Scrooge, I’m not afraid of what lies ahead. I see my boys grown and healthy. I see them wise and strong. I see them holding on to the faith, hope, and joy from their Christmas Past, and I see them inspiring those feelings in the people around them.

As Scrooge himself said, “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach.”

Merry Christmas everyone!

Michael update: Michael turned 15 exactly two weeks before Christmas, and he spent the first week of Christmas break in a driver’s education class. All that information and all those tests reminded us of his challenges with memory, and the days of noisy chatter and constant stimulation were very hard on him. At school, he gets enough breaks to keep this in check, but this class was very hard for him – not the content, just the format. But, as Michael always does, he pushed through and will officially get his permit at the DMV next week. Watch out local drivers!

Andrew update: Headache mystery solved… we hope! Andrew had a very long appointment with some eye specialists a few weeks ago, and they determined that a combination of his meds is causing a rare side effect caused “soft muscle weakness.” This means the muscles of his eyes aren’t strong enough to focus, so he’s in a constant state of blurriness that can’t be fixed with corrective lenses. Sometimes it’s worse than others, and all the doctors agree it should get better on its own eventually. The neurologist is confident this is the cause of the headaches, and that’s good news. Now he uses some old-fogey readers when doing close-up work to lessen the strain on his eyes, and we’ll just deal with the headaches as they come. On the Monday after Christmas he’ll have his final appointment in his fifth of twelve 84-day cycles of maintenance therapy. This will be a quick appointment, just an exam and a quick push of chemo through his port. He’ll be home for steroid week, which is probably for the best since he ends up home for much of it anyway. His counts were down to just above the acceptable level a few weeks ago. Last night after going to the Avs game he broke down in tears because he said he just felt so tired and achy, and he’s pale and covered in bruises. So my Christmas wish is that his counts haven’t dropped down too far so we can stay on track.