It's Not About the Why, It's About The Win

A Change in Gratitude

I just sat down to write another “Top Ten Things I’m Grateful For” list as a Thanksgiving post again this year. Hmmmm… what can I say that hasn’t already been said? I went back and read the one I posted last year. Sincere? Yes. Heartfelt? Yes. Predictable? Yes. Lame? Well… yeah, sort of.

So I’m going to shake it up a little this year, with the caveat that the things on last year’s list still apply. Family, friends, the dog, WWA, hospital staff, blah, blah, blah – I still love all of you and am forever grateful for you. But, no offense, I just feel the need to change my gratitude today.

Here goes, this year I’m thankful for:

10. Giving myself permission to be honest. Some days lately, I don’t have an “I’m fine” in me. Bottom line – I can sugarcoat this all I want to try to make myself feel better, or sometimes to try to make other people feel better, but this situation sucks and it will continue to suck for a long time. Yes, Andrew is hopefully done with the harshest part of treatment and each day he’s closer to joining the 85% of kids who can call themselves “cured.” Yes, Michael is thriving in spite of his injury and parts of his recovery have been nothing short of a miracle. Yes, so much is good about where we are this Thanksgiving compared to last, and I truly am grateful for that. But now that I have the strength to reflect on it all, I’m letting myself be very sad, and sometimes pretty damn angry, for all the boys have had to go through.

9. Venting. See paragraph above. I’m now allowing myself to do this every once in awhile, in a quite unpredictable manner. Word to the wise – if you see me in person and you’re in a hurry, you may want to just nod your head and say “hi”. The token “how are you?” may turn out to be more than you bargained for.  :-)

8. Embracing “woo-woo” life skills (and I mean that in a good way). I’ve always believed in the connection between the mind and the body, but I never thought it would apply to me. Huge thanks to my friends Jean and Kathy and my new friends at The Art of Living for helping me find this path. I’ve moved so far out of my comfort zone in the last few months, and I’ve discovered a part of me that I didn’t know I had. I like it. (This topic is a whole other post, or several, coming soon….)

7. Letting go of the grief. I will no longer silently grieve for my kids’ lost pieces of childhood. I will no longer cry inside when I catch myself thinking about the part of Michael’s smile that’s not there, or the burdens he will always bear from the long-lasting effects of his injury. I will no longer boil inside when I become the target of Andrew’s uncontrollable emotions during steroid week and his rage during post-steroid-week detox. Instead, I will talk, I will write, and I will breathe. I will accept things for what they are, day by day.

6. Seeing past the stereotypes. Some of my kids’ most treasured experiences in the last six months or so have come in unexpected packages, such as dreadlocked tattooed head bangers and DJs with names like Uncle Nasty. It’s hard for me to not raise an eyebrow sometimes, but experiencing this has helped me realize that good really is everywhere. I’m very grateful for everyone who has helped make the boys feel connected to this rock-n-roll life they find so fascinating, and I’m also grateful for learning first-hand not to judge a book by its cover.

5. Knowing I’m not alone. I am one of the lucky ones – I’m close to my family and I have groups of friends that make sit-com writers drool. I have a husband who would do anything to snap his fingers and make this all go away. From day one, I’ve been surrounded by love and support. Yet, so many times, I’ve felt completely alone. Enter my virtual family of fellow cancer parents who truly understand what it’s like to live this life. For my online BFF and many like her around the world, I am grateful every day.

4. Honoring the many that have gone before us. Although childhood leukemia is no longer the death sentence it used to be, it’s still the leading cause of death by disease among children. My heart aches for parents who’ve watched this disease steal their children from them, and at the same time I’m forever grateful for the thousands of angels who have helped guide researchers and doctors toward improved treatment plans so that other children may live. To those families, your sacrifice is not lost on me, and “thank you” is simply not enough.

3. Truly believing that good comes from every situation. Sometimes – okay, maybe a lot of the time – lack of patience gets the best of me and this one is a challenge. But I do believe it, and I’m grateful that the universe has a way of making this happen, even if sometimes it takes awhile.

Well,  to be a true Top Ten Thanksgiving list, I guess I need ten things I’m grateful for, don’t I? Looks like my new gratitude will have to include some of the tried and true Thanksgiving list-makers. They really are the most important, after all.

2. Michael. Now several months into high school, Michael is doing amazingly well. Some things are still challenging – and we’re very grateful for his school accommodations and very proactive school advocates – but overall he’s keeping up with the work and enjoying the new big world of high school. His teachers are very complimentary of how hard he works, and they’ve all made comments about his bright personality and determination to succeed. I’m beyond proud of him. He’s also made some new friends who share his mega-metal taste in music, so he finally has other people to talk to about that stuff. This makes us all very happy.

1. Andrew. Even with fighting his first nasty cold in quite some time and a serious fungal infection popularly known as ringworm, Andrew has had a pretty decent month. After some seizure-like headaches last month, he had a follow-up EEG which showed no new abnormalities. The headaches have improved, but he’s had some blurry vision and no one is quite sure what’s causing that. He’ll go to an eye doctor in a few weeks to rule out any eyesight issues, and if that looks good then we’ll probably point the finger at either his seizure meds or the evil steroids. Then, we’ll flip a coin and however it lands we’ll probably just do the same thing – live with it. He’s in his fifth 84-day cycle of maintenance therapy now – with about seven more to go after this one – and he’ll have his next appointment for IV chemo on Monday.

In the last 20 months, I’ve watched my boys fight for their lives in ways no child should ever have to. It’s broken my heart into tiny pieces, but their persistence, optimism, maturity, and true spirit have mended my heart many times over. Through the heartbreak, or maybe because of it, I’ve experienced a deeper sense of joy than I ever thought possible. For this – and for every second I have with Michael and Andrew – I am grateful to the ends of the earth and back.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone…